Let's break down the daily grooming routine of a single woman. (Warning! This could get scary!)
First I wake up, yawn, and then glare at my cat. I'm pretty sure she must have crapped in my mouth while I slept. If any guy says to you that your morning breath isn't bad... keep him!!! Thank you for that comment Skippy, but I knew you were lying. So it's off to the bathroom. But wait! Somehow, over night, I have forgotten how to walk. I trip over my blankets, my shoes, my cat, stray oxygen molecules, my cat again
(as her daily routine is to throw herself onto her back between my feet). I have to hold onto the wall to stay upright. And it's a long walk from my room to my bathroom. Epic really.
When I finally reach the bathroom thru great trial and adversity, it's straight to the shower. Or as my cat recently discovered The Big Wet Box. She has stopped trying to follow me in after about 4 times getting her pretty fur wet... The hot water does revive me a bit. My eyes begin to focus. Rinse out my mouth, helps a bit. Lo! My toothbrush! And toothpaste! *glee* This is really the easy part. Brush my teeth while I lean my head against the shower wall and let the hot water work it's magic. The wonderful minty fresh taste in my mouth wakes me enough to begin the rest of this torturous routine. Which shampoo to use today? The one that adds extra moisture to the hair? Or the one that adds volume? As someone with fine hair you can never have enough volume! Or do I use the one that does nothing but make my hair smell like roses? Hmm.... I think today I want to smell like a rose garden. So the hair washing begins. Rinse. No repeat. That's really not necessary. Next: Conditioner. I only have one of these so there's no tough decision to make early in the morning. Apply and let it sit while the worst part is to commence.
Shaving. It's a daily thing and it's a pain in the ass. Yes I know that men shave daily as well, but let's look at square footage. Men usually just shave their faces. Women shave from their toe to.... well... basically their other toe. One leg alone trumps the area of a mans face. Have you ever nicked your ankle or the back of your knee? No? Well its hurts like a bitch and it's a bleeder. And the area between? That's a concave area with a straight razor! I don't know about the rest of you but the best I can do is a mohawk... And my shower isn't very well lighted so I don't realize I've missed a big patch til after I get out. Then have to get back in and finish or I look like a leper. Which all men are attracted to. And I won't wax. Ever. I waxed my legs once. Hurt like hell and I swear I was being tortured for information. And I would have happily given it to the woman if I knew what it was! She was pulling out hair I didn't know I had! I think she took some skin with it! All the while with a dead glazed look in her eyes. Sadistic bitch... The legs hurt. There's NO WAY I'm letting this sadistic woman near anything else! So it's daily shaving. And women are hairy beasts! As mammals we have the glory of having fur. You take away a beautiful woman's grooming supplies for a year (please leave her a toothbrush, it's only nice) and after a year she won't be so beautiful anymore. She WILL look like Chewbacca.
Ok! Shaving is done. Quick scrub with soap and my fabulous exfoliating gloves. Gotta keep my abused skin touchably soft. It's not like anyone is touching it but you never know. It might happen. Maybe today will be the day... Probably not... Rinse the soap off, turn off the water, get out, dry off... Shit. Forgot to rinse the condition out of my hair. Back in the shower! Rinse, turn off the water, get out, dry off. Back to the bedroom! The walk is easier now as all I forgot over night has come back to me and I don't have to worry about tripping over the cat, as she is occupied with licking the water from the floor of the shower. (She's an odd one) Now. What to wear? Every woman has this problem, single or not. A closet full of clothes and shoes with nothing to wear. Why? We've worn it all already. So many times. So many combos. We are bored. We know what makes us look fat, frumpy, sexy, matronly, childlike, ect. Our dream is to be able to start over with a new wardrobe every week or so. Preferably one in a smaller size. But, eventually I pick out some clothes. Because society frowns on nudity in public places.
Over to the mirror! Time for the rest of this crap! Gotta put my eyes in. As much as I like having contacts the daily taking out and putting in of said bastards gets old. Some days the little fuckers don't want to come out of your eye! So you spend 5 minutes trying to get it out and when you are done your eye is dry, sore, and a lovely shade of red. Most days they don't want to go into your eye. They slip off your finger, or fold back, or happen to have a minuscule particle in them. Which then gets smashed onto your eye, behind a little piece of plastic. So your eye starts to water. And the body's reaction to anything in your eye is to close. Have you ever tried to pry wet eyelids apart to remove the offending object? It's not easy! You jump around, curse, pray, make promises you don't intend to keep. You get the damn thing out, flush out your eye, and try again. Oh! It worked this time! And there's that lovely red color again! Fantastic! Lets see if we can tone it down with makeup...
Really the makeup part I rather like. I LOVE my eye makeup. Different colors on the eyelid and you have a totally different effect! Dark colors give my eyes a sexy, sultry, bedroom look. Medium shades give my eyes a very casual hypnotic look. Light colors make my eyes look bright and innocent. I LOVE my eyes. They are big anyway and I have long lashes, so the application of mascara and they just pop! Glorious! Really the best part of my routine. A quick application of moisturizer on my horrendously dry skin and I'm done! I can face the day! A long day of sitting on the couch playing video games.... *sigh*
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Frank
Let me tell you all about "Frank"....
I started talking to Frank about a week ago. Met online as per usual. Now Frank seemed so promising! We were able to talk with ease, trade jokes, and actually talk about something besides sex! Most men hold true to being able to think only with thier third leg... Such a shame. I think with my gentials too most of the time. I just don't let them make all the descisions! And therein lies the problem with meeting Frank...
After a week of talking thru email, text, and actual phone conversations we decide to meet and watch movies. Cool. No expectations. So I thought. Excited to have a fun evening and enjoy the company of this guy I get along with really well. The time arrives. Frank arrives. Turns out Frank is one of those amazingly rare people that actually looks better in his pictures... Shit. Guys, let me tell you something we all know but rarely admit. A woman will know within seconds of seeing you if you will get her into bed that night. Within minutes if you will get her into bed EVER. And that includes the rare drunken mistake roll in the sheets. Frank was never going to get any of that. He would always be in the Friend Zone. But I tried to enjoy my night anyway! Still enjoyed talking to Frank and we still had a good rapport. All goes well until about 15 minutes into the movie we are watching Frank makes a comment that I find offensive. I won't say the comment, but anyone that actually knows me realizes it takes ALOT to offend me. He did it in 15 minutes. Ok. Whatever. Keep going. Brush it off. Water off a ducks back. Ok. Another hour goes by. Frank starts wanting to cuddle. Alright. I do friendly cuddles with my friends. Lean into each other kind of thing. He puts his arm around me and asks "So what do you think?" Shit. Now I'm put on the spot. I was hoping to take the cowards way out and tell him in the morning via text what his fate was. I'm stuck for it. How do you tell someone that clearly is interested in you that you don't reciprocate? Well you just have to do it. So I do. As gently and nicely as possible. And all of a sudden the man I was sitting next to disappeared. In his place was a whiney, self pitying, big ass baby! OMG! Guys, dont EVER say this: "This ALWAYS happens to me! I must not be attractive!" ....We have our own insecurites about our appearance, we don't want to know about yours. And I'm also rather vicious and when a weakness is shown I either take advantage of it or I lose all respect for you. Usually both. I'm a bitch. So now I have to try and explain WHY he will only be a friend. I tell him that I don't feel any chemistry. I didn't want to tell him I felt no spark, he probably would have thrown himself to the floor and had an outright temper tantrum. He says HE feels chemistry! We had chemistry over the phone! "It's because you like assholes isn't it?" No. It's because I like men. And it doesn't end there boys and girls! Oh no! Now he continues to guilt me by saying "I led him on". Really? I invited you over for a movie and that says to you "I want your boner"? I don't think so. He is making me feel so guilty a couple tears escape my self control. Which is just mortifying. Crap get me out of here! Oh... Wait... This is my house! I should have told him to leave. I really should have. But no. I roll over and let him stay thru another movie. Cause I'm a dumb ass. And then this morning he texts me and asks how I am. I respond after I get out work and ask how he is. His response? "Fine. I see you wont talk to me all day." Dude. I was WORKING. Busy! With my boss around constantly! I didn't talk to ANYONE all day! And I'm DONE being nice to you! Grow the fuck up, strap on a pair, and bother someone else! Par for the course I guess...
I started talking to Frank about a week ago. Met online as per usual. Now Frank seemed so promising! We were able to talk with ease, trade jokes, and actually talk about something besides sex! Most men hold true to being able to think only with thier third leg... Such a shame. I think with my gentials too most of the time. I just don't let them make all the descisions! And therein lies the problem with meeting Frank...
After a week of talking thru email, text, and actual phone conversations we decide to meet and watch movies. Cool. No expectations. So I thought. Excited to have a fun evening and enjoy the company of this guy I get along with really well. The time arrives. Frank arrives. Turns out Frank is one of those amazingly rare people that actually looks better in his pictures... Shit. Guys, let me tell you something we all know but rarely admit. A woman will know within seconds of seeing you if you will get her into bed that night. Within minutes if you will get her into bed EVER. And that includes the rare drunken mistake roll in the sheets. Frank was never going to get any of that. He would always be in the Friend Zone. But I tried to enjoy my night anyway! Still enjoyed talking to Frank and we still had a good rapport. All goes well until about 15 minutes into the movie we are watching Frank makes a comment that I find offensive. I won't say the comment, but anyone that actually knows me realizes it takes ALOT to offend me. He did it in 15 minutes. Ok. Whatever. Keep going. Brush it off. Water off a ducks back. Ok. Another hour goes by. Frank starts wanting to cuddle. Alright. I do friendly cuddles with my friends. Lean into each other kind of thing. He puts his arm around me and asks "So what do you think?" Shit. Now I'm put on the spot. I was hoping to take the cowards way out and tell him in the morning via text what his fate was. I'm stuck for it. How do you tell someone that clearly is interested in you that you don't reciprocate? Well you just have to do it. So I do. As gently and nicely as possible. And all of a sudden the man I was sitting next to disappeared. In his place was a whiney, self pitying, big ass baby! OMG! Guys, dont EVER say this: "This ALWAYS happens to me! I must not be attractive!" ....We have our own insecurites about our appearance, we don't want to know about yours. And I'm also rather vicious and when a weakness is shown I either take advantage of it or I lose all respect for you. Usually both. I'm a bitch. So now I have to try and explain WHY he will only be a friend. I tell him that I don't feel any chemistry. I didn't want to tell him I felt no spark, he probably would have thrown himself to the floor and had an outright temper tantrum. He says HE feels chemistry! We had chemistry over the phone! "It's because you like assholes isn't it?" No. It's because I like men. And it doesn't end there boys and girls! Oh no! Now he continues to guilt me by saying "I led him on". Really? I invited you over for a movie and that says to you "I want your boner"? I don't think so. He is making me feel so guilty a couple tears escape my self control. Which is just mortifying. Crap get me out of here! Oh... Wait... This is my house! I should have told him to leave. I really should have. But no. I roll over and let him stay thru another movie. Cause I'm a dumb ass. And then this morning he texts me and asks how I am. I respond after I get out work and ask how he is. His response? "Fine. I see you wont talk to me all day." Dude. I was WORKING. Busy! With my boss around constantly! I didn't talk to ANYONE all day! And I'm DONE being nice to you! Grow the fuck up, strap on a pair, and bother someone else! Par for the course I guess...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Booty Call
Ok. I got booty called while in a movie with some friends. And I'm not irritated about being booty called (The movie was that bad. Don't go see Red Ridinghood.). I'm irritated cause I hear from this guy MAYBE once every two months. Always for booty calls. And he lives an hour away. Needless to say I have not answered these calls for some time. You'd think he would get the hint. Guess I'm just too nice to come out and say "You really aren't good enough to warrant the drive"... My bad!
If you are going to booty call me, give me more notice when you know I have to travel. I'm ok with being a booty call. Honestly until I know exactly what's going on with "Skippy" (we will discuss Skippy later, he has a whole post devoted to him) I prefer to only HAVE booty calls. I have needs after all. But be closer. And don't get all butt hurt when I'm already busy. I will not drop friends for a booty call. ...Alright.... That's a lie... But when I'm bleeding like I've ben shot I can't exactly answer the call anyway can I? I know if the Mind Eraser breaks down you don't close down the whole theme park, but dammit that's the best ride there is and really the only one that's fun for me!
If you are going to booty call me, give me more notice when you know I have to travel. I'm ok with being a booty call. Honestly until I know exactly what's going on with "Skippy" (we will discuss Skippy later, he has a whole post devoted to him) I prefer to only HAVE booty calls. I have needs after all. But be closer. And don't get all butt hurt when I'm already busy. I will not drop friends for a booty call. ...Alright.... That's a lie... But when I'm bleeding like I've ben shot I can't exactly answer the call anyway can I? I know if the Mind Eraser breaks down you don't close down the whole theme park, but dammit that's the best ride there is and really the only one that's fun for me!
Dating Sites
How do you even meet men? When I was a kid it was easy. You push the boys on the playground, they chase you, you write a little note and voila! Boyfriend! Then you grow up. Let's say you're in highschool. You think a guy is cute. You giggle, flirt, and get set up by your friends. Voila! Boyfriend! Or disasterous tearful bathroom bashing session. Could go either way at that point. Or it could be both! What fun! But let's say you don't keep that highschool sweetheart, for whatever reason. You grow up more. Become an adult. Start working. Start having resposibilities. Start to become a hermit because you realize people just piss you off.
Then you wake up one day. Horny and alone. And you want to cuddle and have a friend. Someone that you can fight with harmlessly. Someone who gets your stupid jokes. Someone who's stupid jokes YOU get. How the hell do you find this person in this day and age of technology and seclusion? All your friends are either married or living with thier boyfriends. They caught the RelationShip, but I apparently forgot my floaties and was left crying on the dock with a box of cookies and self pity. The answer: dating sites.
I am a member of a couple. And first of all, let's face it, you get what you pay for. Me being poor I have to go with free. And in my searching I learned VERY quickly that free doesn't mean FREE. Most so-called free sites are free if you only create a profile. You can be seen. But you can't see anyone else. Contact anyone else. Or respond if someone contacts you. Not unless you want to pay 19.95 a month for the priveledge of responding to some guys single word "Hi" email.
And while I am on that what is with "Hi"? Yes. It's a common salutation. A conversation starter. Key word conversation. Cause the truth is the quickest way into a woman's pants is thru her brain! News flash! We like to talk! We WANT to know you! It's crazy, I know. Who would have thought that porn lies and women don't just randomly have sex with the pizza boy in lieu of a tip? I'm sure this is expecting A LOT but I really want a man to attempt to talk to me. I'm not that hard to talk to. Really. Try it sometime.
Back to dating sites! Let's say you get on a site that allows you to contact and respond to people. Fantastic! Where are the people?... Oh! There they are! YOU have to approach THEM! And what's this? No picture of your face at a reasonable distance? But a close up of your abs.... Fantastic. Now don't get me wrong, I like a well toned body as much as the next woman. But "Butterface" goes two ways. And if you have an attractive face, odds are you know it, and are on these sites to get some tail. Again. That's fine. But be honest about it. Women like to make informed decisions. Honestly if you are up front and say "I only want sex" I might even show up. Cause sometimes that all I want to use you for.
But let's say all goes well in the initial email phase. You joke around tentatively. Feel each other out (not up, that hopefully comes later). It seems promising. Numbers are exchanged. And those good tentative conversations you had all of a sudden disappear thru text message. Example: I was talking to "Bob". We traded emails for a month. All went very well. Jokes were traded. Small connection made. Numbers traded. Now all I get is a texted "Hey" at 2am when he is drunk. Fantastic. Just what I wanted. Fuck you "Bob".
To sum up cause my train is derailing: I'm on a dating site. This is the only way I can meet men, cause none of my friends know any single men. And this is going to be the fodder for my disasterous dates. Woot!
Then you wake up one day. Horny and alone. And you want to cuddle and have a friend. Someone that you can fight with harmlessly. Someone who gets your stupid jokes. Someone who's stupid jokes YOU get. How the hell do you find this person in this day and age of technology and seclusion? All your friends are either married or living with thier boyfriends. They caught the RelationShip, but I apparently forgot my floaties and was left crying on the dock with a box of cookies and self pity. The answer: dating sites.
I am a member of a couple. And first of all, let's face it, you get what you pay for. Me being poor I have to go with free. And in my searching I learned VERY quickly that free doesn't mean FREE. Most so-called free sites are free if you only create a profile. You can be seen. But you can't see anyone else. Contact anyone else. Or respond if someone contacts you. Not unless you want to pay 19.95 a month for the priveledge of responding to some guys single word "Hi" email.
And while I am on that what is with "Hi"? Yes. It's a common salutation. A conversation starter. Key word conversation. Cause the truth is the quickest way into a woman's pants is thru her brain! News flash! We like to talk! We WANT to know you! It's crazy, I know. Who would have thought that porn lies and women don't just randomly have sex with the pizza boy in lieu of a tip? I'm sure this is expecting A LOT but I really want a man to attempt to talk to me. I'm not that hard to talk to. Really. Try it sometime.
Back to dating sites! Let's say you get on a site that allows you to contact and respond to people. Fantastic! Where are the people?... Oh! There they are! YOU have to approach THEM! And what's this? No picture of your face at a reasonable distance? But a close up of your abs.... Fantastic. Now don't get me wrong, I like a well toned body as much as the next woman. But "Butterface" goes two ways. And if you have an attractive face, odds are you know it, and are on these sites to get some tail. Again. That's fine. But be honest about it. Women like to make informed decisions. Honestly if you are up front and say "I only want sex" I might even show up. Cause sometimes that all I want to use you for.
But let's say all goes well in the initial email phase. You joke around tentatively. Feel each other out (not up, that hopefully comes later). It seems promising. Numbers are exchanged. And those good tentative conversations you had all of a sudden disappear thru text message. Example: I was talking to "Bob". We traded emails for a month. All went very well. Jokes were traded. Small connection made. Numbers traded. Now all I get is a texted "Hey" at 2am when he is drunk. Fantastic. Just what I wanted. Fuck you "Bob".
To sum up cause my train is derailing: I'm on a dating site. This is the only way I can meet men, cause none of my friends know any single men. And this is going to be the fodder for my disasterous dates. Woot!
The Beginning
As mentioned this is going to be a blog full of my rants, raves, and observations about being single and dating. And how it sucks. Whoever said dating is fun clearly never did it. A little background about me: I'm 28. Attractive. Good sense of humor. Easy going (mostly). Talented. Nice. Nurturing. No children. And SINGLE.
I don't know why I'm apparently unmarketable. Maybe I have gremlins down there... Maybe I have a hideous mole on my back that is invisible to me but not men. Or maybe I'm not as fantastic as I think I am. No... That last one just isn't true. I rock.
This blog is going to be full of randomness about being single and all that I go thru in my quest NOT TO BE. It's a long journey. Frought with danger, pain, explicit descriptions. And ALOT of bad dating misadventures. Names will be changed. For MY protection. Men will be made infamous.
I hope you join me in this Shop of Horrors I call dating. Let's have fun!
I don't know why I'm apparently unmarketable. Maybe I have gremlins down there... Maybe I have a hideous mole on my back that is invisible to me but not men. Or maybe I'm not as fantastic as I think I am. No... That last one just isn't true. I rock.
This blog is going to be full of randomness about being single and all that I go thru in my quest NOT TO BE. It's a long journey. Frought with danger, pain, explicit descriptions. And ALOT of bad dating misadventures. Names will be changed. For MY protection. Men will be made infamous.
I hope you join me in this Shop of Horrors I call dating. Let's have fun!
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