Grooming

Let's break down the daily grooming routine of a single woman. (Warning! This could get scary!)
First I wake up, yawn, and then glare at my cat. I'm pretty sure she must have crapped in my mouth while I slept. If any guy says to you that your morning breath isn't bad... keep him!!! Thank you for that comment Skippy, but I knew you were lying. So it's off to the bathroom. But wait! Somehow, over night, I have forgotten how to walk. I trip over my blankets, my shoes, my cat, stray oxygen molecules, my cat again
(as her daily routine is to throw herself onto her back between my feet). I have to hold onto the wall to stay upright. And it's a long walk from my room to my bathroom. Epic really.
When I finally reach the bathroom thru great trial and adversity, it's straight to the shower. Or as my cat recently discovered The Big Wet Box. She has stopped trying to follow me in after about 4 times getting her pretty fur wet... The hot water does revive me a bit. My eyes begin to focus. Rinse out my mouth, helps a bit. Lo! My toothbrush! And toothpaste! *glee* This is really the easy part. Brush my teeth while I lean my head against the shower wall and let the hot water work it's magic. The wonderful minty fresh taste in my mouth wakes me enough to begin the rest of this torturous routine. Which shampoo to use today? The one that adds extra moisture to the hair? Or the one that adds volume? As someone with fine hair you can never have enough volume! Or do I use the one that does nothing but make my hair smell like roses? Hmm.... I think today I want to smell like a rose garden. So the hair washing begins. Rinse. No repeat. That's really not necessary. Next: Conditioner. I only have one of these so there's no tough decision to make early in the morning. Apply and let it sit while the worst part is to commence.
Shaving. It's a daily thing and it's a pain in the ass. Yes I know that men shave daily as well, but let's look at square footage. Men usually just shave their faces. Women shave from their toe to.... well... basically their other toe. One leg alone trumps the area of a mans face. Have you ever nicked your ankle or the back of your knee? No? Well its hurts like a bitch and it's a bleeder. And the area between? That's a concave area with a straight razor! I don't know about the rest of you but the best I can do is a mohawk... And my shower isn't very well lighted so I don't realize I've missed a big patch til after I get out. Then have to get back in and finish or I look like a leper. Which all men are attracted to. And I won't wax. Ever. I waxed my legs once. Hurt like hell and I swear I was being tortured for information. And I would have happily given it to the woman if I knew what it was! She was pulling out hair I didn't know I had! I think she took some skin with it! All the while with a dead glazed look in her eyes. Sadistic bitch... The legs hurt. There's NO WAY I'm letting this sadistic woman near anything else! So it's daily shaving. And women are hairy beasts! As mammals we have the glory of having fur. You take away a beautiful woman's grooming supplies for a year (please leave her a toothbrush, it's only nice) and after a year she won't be so beautiful anymore. She WILL look like Chewbacca.
Ok! Shaving is done. Quick scrub with soap and my fabulous exfoliating gloves. Gotta keep my abused skin touchably soft. It's not like anyone is touching it but you never know. It might happen. Maybe today will be the day... Probably not... Rinse the soap off, turn off the water, get out, dry off... Shit. Forgot to rinse the condition out of my hair. Back in the shower! Rinse, turn off the water, get out, dry off. Back to the bedroom! The walk is easier now as all I forgot over night has come back to me and I don't have to worry about tripping over the cat, as she is occupied with licking the water from the floor of the shower. (She's an odd one) Now. What to wear? Every woman has this problem, single or not. A closet full of clothes and shoes with nothing to wear. Why? We've worn it all already. So many times. So many combos. We are bored. We know what makes us look fat, frumpy, sexy, matronly, childlike, ect. Our dream is to be able to start over with a new wardrobe every week or so. Preferably one in a smaller size. But, eventually I pick out some clothes. Because society frowns on nudity in public places.
Over to the mirror! Time for the rest of this crap! Gotta put my eyes in. As much as I like having contacts the daily taking out and putting in of said bastards gets old. Some days the little fuckers don't want to come out of your eye! So you spend 5 minutes trying to get it out and when you are done your eye is dry, sore, and a lovely shade of red. Most days they don't want to go into your eye. They slip off your finger, or fold back, or happen to have a minuscule particle in them. Which then gets smashed onto your eye, behind a little piece of plastic. So your eye starts to water. And the body's reaction to anything in your eye is to close. Have you ever tried to pry wet eyelids apart to remove the offending object? It's not easy! You jump around, curse, pray, make promises you don't intend to keep. You get the damn thing out, flush out your eye, and try again. Oh! It worked this time! And there's that lovely red color again! Fantastic! Lets see if we can tone it down with makeup...
Really the makeup part I rather like. I LOVE my eye makeup. Different colors on the eyelid and you have a totally different effect! Dark colors give my eyes a sexy, sultry, bedroom look. Medium shades give my eyes a very casual hypnotic look. Light colors make my eyes look bright and innocent. I LOVE my eyes. They are big anyway and I have long lashes, so the application of mascara and they just pop! Glorious! Really the best part of my routine. A quick application of moisturizer on my horrendously dry skin and I'm done! I can face the day! A long day of sitting on the couch playing video games.... *sigh*